hello world!
High School Musical, High School Musical 2, The Cheetah Girls, The Cheetah Girls 2, The Cheetah Girls: One World. What do these movies have in common? They are all movies I’ve never seen, as I was a Cartoon Network kid. But, apparently, while I was getting traumatized by Courage the Cowardly Dog, I was missing out on a movement. Disney Channel Original Movies, or DCOMs, for short, are a large part of the cultural identity of Millennials and older Gen Zers. And, I totally missed out. I think? I don’t know. Sometimes people say that when it’s found out that I haven’t seen any of them.
I’m definitely not watching these movies now because I’ve made it this far in life without them and things are going… Okay, maybe I should watch them. But there are over 100 DCOMs to choose from. Where does an almost thirty-year-old start? Well, after going through the list of movies, I got totally overwhelmed and decided to abandon this effort to assimilate with my generation. That was until the most recent movie caught my eye - Descendants: Wicked Wonderland. I remember seeing it and thinking to myself, “Oh, I know more about Wonderland than the average person. This being the fifth movie in a series is totally fine. I’ll be able to pick up what’s going on. Plus it’s a kids movie. It won’t have insanely complex lore or anything like that.” So I hopped on Disney+, started the movie, and was immediately confused.
For those of you who are not aware, Descendants is a DCOM franchise following the children of Disney characters. I have no clue who the kids were in the other movies, since this cast was only in the last two, but Wicked Wonderland follows Red, the child of the Queen of Hearts, and Chloe, the daughter of a non-Alice character (Cinderella).
The movie starts with the Cheshire Cat’s daughter, Chessy, recapping the events of the previous movie. I thought that debrief would get me up to speed on exactly what is going on, but she uses terms like VK and HK and talks about characters as if I already knew who they were, which left me instantly overwhelmed. But what I gleaned was that Red and Chloe went back in time with a time-traveling locket for some reason, and now the Queen of Hearts isn’t a villain but a hero because of time travel reasons. Which means that Red is now a hero’s kid. Wait, that’s what HK means! Okay, it’s starting to make more sense. So, now in this altered timeline, Red has a sister named Pink, and Max, the son of Maddox (the Mad Hatter), is now a villain kid (VK) since his dad is a villain for some reason.
Are you following? That’s okay, me neither. So Maddox somehow saw Red and the not-Alice kid use the time-traveling pocket watch, which made him obsessed with it, leading to his banishment and subsequent madness. This caused Bridget, the Queen of Hearts, to banish him. He’s eventually freed from his banishment for some reason (I know I’m being jokingly vague and playing confused, but seriously, in this instance, I have no idea why this happened) and now he is getting his revenge on Bridget by kidnapping her and gaining control of Wonderland in the process. Now the VKs and the HKs need to team up and traverse Wonderland in order to save her. I think.
Good, now you’re as confused as I am. That is the SparkNotes version. There is more information that I’m missing, but the intro was like three minutes and crammed so much information into it that I went cross-eyed. I’m going to step away from the plot for a bit. While that brick of information marinates, let's talk about the Wonderland references and characters in this movie. I’ve already mentioned the Queen of Hearts and her daughter, Red. Way to rip off Frank’s novels, Disney. I’ve already taken the liberty of sending the cease and desist on your behalf, Frank. That’s right, we’re taking on the mouse!
Along with Red and the Queen, there are Maddox and Max, the Mad Hatter and his son, and the Cheshire Cat’s daughter, Chessy. The writers actually did a good job adapting other Alice characters and the Wonderland setting. Maddox has some clockwork Dodos that spy on the kids while they are in Wonderland. Which, as a side note, if you make something clockwork, for some reason that tickles a part of my brain that instantly makes me like them. Does that make me steampunk? I don’t want to be steampunk. While I wrestle with that, I should also mention that there are living flamingo topiaries that Maddox corrupts in an attempt to thwart the kids' plan. There is also an enchanted chessboard, a Wonderland Palace, and another seemingly Looking Glass Wars-esque magical well-teleportation portal similar to the Pool of Tears. The writers and directors did a great job making their Wonderland feel alive. But these elements have been added to the cease-and-desist. Just because I don’t understand copyright law doesn’t mean I’ll stop.
Now, let’s talk about my thoughts on the movie. But it would honestly be unfair to the film if an almost 30-year-old man whose first foray into the Descendants world is the franchise's fifth film is the one doing the critique. So, I’m going to channel my inner ten-year-old girl to give this movie a fair review.
Okay, so I don’t have an inner ten-year-old girl, and I’m in charge of this blog, so I don’t care if my assessment is fair. So, the verdict is… The movie is… fine? The lighting is really bright and colorful. The costumes are weirdly stiff and look a bit too much like costumes, but they are effective at establishing a character's “vibe”. Oh, I forgot to mention this movie is a musical, which caught me off guard. The music is generic pop, like, the most generic pop ever. What else did you think it would be? The songs are simultaneously fitting for the lighting and character design, yet felt oddly forced and strange. Once I heard the chorus and understood which story elements the song conveyed, I would fast-forward through them. I know, I joked about the intro being confusing, but the plot seemed fine. It did move along at a breakneck pace, though. The acting was pretty meh from most of the characters, but from what I understand, after a conversation with a friend of mine who has seen many DCOMs, that’s pretty par for the course.
Looking at this movie through the lens of an Alice in Wonderland fan, I liked it for its creative adaptation and continuation of Wonderland and its characters. Did I like it overall? Not really, no. The comedy felt forced, and the costumes and acting really took me out of it. I’m well aware that I might have a different opinion if I watched the other four movies, or at the very least the one previous movie with this cast. But a good sequel should be able to stand on its own legs. Now, before anyone tries to use the “It’s a kid’s movie, it doesn't have to be Citizen Kane and the jokes are for kids.” I’m aware of that. And also, that argument is bad. To retort, Puss in Boots: The Last Wish is also a kid’s movie, and it’s both funny and amazing. That being said, if you have an Alice in Wonderland-obsessed child, then this movie and its predecessor will definitely entertain them. I feel like since I reviewed the movie, I need to give it an arbitrary and meaningless rating like other film critics, so, six child actors out of ten.
P.S. I’m just now realizing that Red’s father is never mentioned. While I’m aware that IVF is a thing, I don’t think it would be a thing in DCOM canon. Therefore, my headcanon is that in the Descendants franchise, the Queen of Hearts multiplies through mitosis, which made me like the movie more.
Jared Hoffman graduated from the American Film Institute with a degree in screenwriting. A Los Angeles native, his brand of comedy is satire stemming from the many different personalities and egos he has encountered throughout his life. As a lover of all things comedy, Jared is always working out new material and trying to make those around him laugh. His therapist claims this is a coping mechanism, but what does she know?